I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have aggressive nipples.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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