Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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