Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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