All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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