I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
