insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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