we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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