All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
