I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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