I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
