R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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