You're my little dorito
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just want to make out with him forever
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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