Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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