my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize