it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
