Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize