My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
