I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
