Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
