Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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