I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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