dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
