Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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