I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
