I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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