My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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