dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
