That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
