My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize