I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
