If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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