we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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