She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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