I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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