Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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