Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
