i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
