Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
