the condom got lost in my hair
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Randomize
