i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
