Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
