i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
