This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
