he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
