Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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