Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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