Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All the doctor said was why
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
