Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
