woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
