These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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