i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
