Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
