why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
