normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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