she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
