How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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