the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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