he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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