We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
