did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i've created a new STD.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
