Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
