going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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