either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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