and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
