Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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